Relationship Anarchy with a Sexual Goddess

Having your cake…AND eating it!

Recently, three men on three separate occasions tried to shame me for how I choose to express my sexuality, saying that I would never find anyone because basically I was a ‘slut’ and that I should ‘tone it down’ if I want men to respect me. Interestingly, each of these men would like to be in a ‘relationship’ with me…if I agreed to give myself exclusively to them in a traditional monogamous relationship.  ‘You can’t have your cake and AND eat it’, they say.  They don’t understand that I am a Sexual Goddess/Priestess and I wish to remain free…


A Sexual Goddess/Priestess? What does that even mean?  A cross between a counsellor, a healer, a priest and a prostitute?  Someone who’s good at sex?   I don’t diligently practice Tantra as a spiritual practice.  I’ve never been to India or intend to any time soon.   I’ve never read the Karma Sutra, (just looked at the pictures).  I’m not a gorgeous beauty with flowing looks, washboard tummy and voluptuous breasts although I think I look much younger than my 42 years, so I’m frequently told.  My breasts are somewhat tired and sagging, my belly has stretch marks, my thighs have cellulite and my bottom is prone to pimples. I don’t go around flaunting sex (maybe sometimes) propositioning men (so what if I do) or wield a powerful sex magic aura (maybe just a bit).  I try to carry myself with dignity, poise and grace.  I’m comfortable and confident in my body and I can dance…did I mention I can dance?  Boy can I dance! I don’t have all the answers to the mysteries of sex and love, nor do I have a mysterious healing gift to bestow but I am, I’m discovering, a Sexual Goddess nonetheless and when it comes to the topic of sex and making love I am fully present, direct, sharply intuitive, radical and courageous tempered with compassion, empathy and humour. I like to think of myself as a ‘Samantha’ in Sex and the City – but a more spiritual, enlightened version.

The Qualifications.  I  LOVE making love!  Lovemaking!  Maker of Love!  I am a lover, a dancer, a weaver of sex magic, a heart opener, a sacred intimate, a sacred whore, if that resonates more.  I live for those deep soulful connections, where two hearts meet in blissful, sacred, physical union; when those subtle body energies merge and dance together like the rise and fall of two competent waltz dancers, when the body vibrates with pure electrifying bliss. Physical sex doesn’t always have to happen, although usually it does because it heightens the pleasure.  It has got nothing to feeling states or transient, fickle ‘falling in love’ emotions. Often, stillness, total presence, close proximity to the desired other and deep, full body listening is enough to generate the merging of two hearts and souls.   And when the music stops, the two lovers part, with lightness of heart, a glow in the soul and a spring in the step. They go their separate ways…or maybe they come back for another dance another time, if both choose it.

Goddess or Whore?   It depends on which of my friends, family, acquaintances and lovers you talk to but I do have sex/make love with lots of people, a lot of the time. Sometimes in quick succession, sometimes weeks or months may go by between, occasionally with more than one at a time if the energies align.  I don’t have a ‘special someone’.  I don’t like to label myself but I guess I am a ‘relationship anarchist’ and a polyamorist (I love many) although at times I have chosen lengthy periods of monogamy and celibacy.

I have sex/make love when the attraction arises and is apparent for all parties, when the curiosity and desire ignites, when 2 consenting adults decide and choose to join in sacred union and when its clean, clear, mutual, respectful and healthy. There are many beautiful souls out there that I find interesting and beautiful; too many to connect and make love with in this lifetime…alas!

Sexual Energy- the stuff of Life!  I see the world through a sexual lens. I see and read sexual energy.  I hear the secret thoughts and desires of men, the unspoken longings and yearnings for deep connection, honest touch, setting the beast free and heart felt intimacy. I feel the call to ‘make love’ with these men out of a generosity of spirit, out of love. I don’t need to be in a ‘relationship’ to share my body or my love.  It is given freely in exchange for rightful, honourable, respectful, mutual reciprocity.  I name the unspeakable, I say the unsayable.  I open up space for a new dialogue to happen, one that cuts through the crap and bullshit, the games and the lies.  ‘I sense that you are sexually interested in me and I in you. Shall we talk about this?’

I don’t have to ‘date’ you for a set period of time before I ‘give up the goods.’  I don’t have to test your worthiness or ask you a million questions about what you do for a living, the size of your bank balance, how your parents raised you, where you live, what religion or political  persuasion you are. Your age isn’t important (unless you are underage).  I’m not having sex with you for a relationship.   I am happy being single!  Let me say that again, I want and choose to remain single at this time of my life!

I make love when my soul wants to be seen or express itself, when my soul wants to connect with another in any given moment in time, when I want to connect on a deeper level than words alone allow or when a man has the balls to ask me directly and respectfully.  I make love with my whole self.  My body is my instrument.  I embody love.   Together, ‘we play in our own private orchestra; raising the energy, crescendo and diminuendo, a whole cacophony of vibration, swirling, rising and falling, moments of edginess, softness, sweetness, tenderness, roughness. It is so much more than merely rubbing body parts together or the urgent quest to reach orgasm.  I make love from my heart, body and soul for the sheer joy of creating life force energy, chi, prana for mutual pleasure and healing.

What I am not!  I am not a predator, a MILF, a cougar or a bored housewife. I’m not a nympho, in a mid-life crisis or a sex addict. I don’t have sex because I am lonely.  I sit with my loneliness or ask a friend to meet for coffee. I don’t have sex or make love when I am angry. When I am angry I shout, swear and break plates.  I don’t make love when I am sad.  I cry buckets, and walk around like someone has died.  I don’t make love when I am bored, I sit with the uncomfortable feelings of boredom and see what arises.  I don’t have sex when I need touch, I get a massage.

I haven’t always been able to make love, in fact only recently has this transformation occurred. Maybe because I am in my 40’s and I’ve learnt to drop the mask, get emotionally naked, be honest and vulnerable, hear my own voice and get messy. Letting go of a 12 year marriage that was too small for me, being a stay at home mother for 20 years, and a lifetime of denying my true nature has lead me onto this path of following my bliss.   I’ve taken back my animal pelt, my sealskin, my wild ways.

Now, I follow that which ignites and inspires me. I follow that which attracts and excites me. In all this excitement and bliss I try to remain centred and grounded in dignity and truth.  When I make love, I embody love, reminding you and myself that it resides within us and available to us at all times.  Bliss is our birthright, so they say.

Healing Sexual Wounds.   For years I ran around having meaningless one night stands and low level relationships, ‘porny sex’, I call it; mostly driven by the man and their fantasies, whom I let, unconsciously, into my most sacred space. I had sex when I really didn’t want to but felt I should because I’d led him on or because he took me to dinner or because I was flattered that he fancied me- so surely he loved me, right? I endured unsatisfying sex, where he would come and I would not, where he would take for himself and I would let him.  I had sex when I was trying to appease and please.  I gave into sex because I was pressured to or to stabilise a relationship. In later years I had sex to feel powerful and in control or to feel desired and loved. There were periods of time when I had compulsive sex to fill the void, fill the hole, as it were (pun intended)  ‘Fucking the pain away’, I read once.  My self-esteem was low, my voice silent, my body asleep, my heart frozen, my head conditioned to be a ‘good girl’,  my soul trying to connect through the physical act of rubbing body parts together.

But over the years, after soul searching therapy, dancing, studying sexuality and releasing shame and guilt,  I learnt to thaw my heart and connect it to my genitals and I found a way into my bliss, my sexual energy, my love energy, my goddess, my limitless capacity to love and be loved, to take and to give, to accept and to receive, to be multi orgasmic, to gush and squirt, to breathe deeply and fully, to moan and groan in ecstasy, to move my body in a way that feels good for me, to ask for what I want, to hold space for my partners to be seen, to connect to source, to be energised by and give energy to, to heal, to reveal, to expose, to share, which by the way happens in the present moment and not in some imagined future of what might happen next.  If you are in fantasy or imagining what you’d like to do in the next moment, you are not present and cannot make love.

A warning! Just because I make deep, intense, passionate love with you, where our souls merge and it’s like we’ve known each other for years, it doesn’t mean that we are now a couple, going steady, that I’m yours or in an ongoing relationship.  I don’t owe you anything, I don’t have to see you again, I don’t have to justify myself, my behaviour.  I am not a slut, unable to commit or have ‘daddy issues.  I am an independent woman who chooses to be alone and take lovers when I find a mutual attraction because sex and making love is essential for my well- being, my energy levels and it keeps my heart open.

Loving many doesn’t dilute love, it increases the capacity to love more. Lovemaking is one of life’s greatest pleasures.  It is free, the last time I checked… But if there is a price to pay, i.e. my freedom, or a limitation on how much bliss I am allowed, then I am not interested.  I am not here to make you feel secure and comfortable or desired.  I am not your therapist or your mother. I am not here to satisfy your sexual needs or appease your loneliness.  I am here to make love, be love, share love with as many people as I choose.  You do not own me or have any rights to my body!  I am free!

Please don’t try to shame me or try to change me with …

  • You’re scared to truly love and commit to someone.
  • You have low self esteem and need to love yourself more.
  • You have daddy issues and unresolved trust issues.
  • No man will respect you or want you if you carry on behaving like a slut.
  • You use men and let them use you.
  • You cannot have a deep connection with someone you’ve only just met…that kind of knowing someone takes years.
  • You secretly want to fall in love and find ‘the one’ but you wont admit it.

If and when I meet someone who I want to blend my life with on a more regular basis I will tell you. No games, no guesswork, no mind reading.   If you fall in love with me then great…’love me’.  If it gets too difficult for you and you want more than what I can give then tell me and or deal with it in a way that serves you. I am not responsible for you, neither am I here to hurt you.  I am here to share love,  to connect deeply in that given moment.

I can usually find something about you to make love to but if you cannot be in your heart, if you cannot be present and if your lovemaking is conditional,  then be prepared to get what you need, not what you want.  If you cannot open to love and insist on taking only for yourself and for your greedy penis then be prepared to have rocks thrown at you. (not literally). If you want someone to ejaculate over, and relieve you of your sexual frustration, go and see a prostitute or ask clearly for that and I will decide if I can hold that space for you with an open heart.   If you see me as something to capture, tame, a conquest or something to win over then you will meet with the fury and indignation of a wild, proud tiger.   If you try to project your shame onto me…I’ll reflect it right back at you.

Eating your cake and loving it!  I am not going to sit around being ‘chaste’ and ‘demure’, channelling my sexual nature into respectable ‘creative projects’, whilst waiting for ‘the one’ to take me in his arms and go galloping off into the sunset.  Been there, done that! I am at a time in my life where I don’t want a full time committed relationship.  I am embracing my solo journey and learning to be alone…But does that mean I can’t have deeply intimate, deeply honouring, respectful, sacred, sexual union AND as much of it as I want? They say you can’t have your cake AND eat it!  What a ridiculous statement…of course you can have your cake and eat it otherwise what’s the point of getting cake in the first place…to stare at it miserably, wishing you can have it?  Denial isn’t the path to an orgasmic, blissful life!


Be a lover!  So if you love or want to learn to love woman, truly love her without needing to possess her, if you can be in your heart and in your penis in equal measure, if you are not threatened or afraid of your own or my sexual intensity, intimacy and pleasure, if you can honour and worship the Goddess and wish to commune and pray to God, if you can stay present and take the time to really see and be seen, hear and be heard, breathe fully and deeply and feel the subtle energy move through you,  if you are in touch with your own wolfish, animal nature and finally,  if you can let go of her with love and gentleness, like the way a tree drops its leaves,  without possessiveness  or fear then perhaps we can,  in this moment,  be lovers …AND eat cake?

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